THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF EVIL!
A little collection of useful information, not to mention a list of people — and decidedly non-people — to watch out for when your walking alone at night, or down some dark alleyway. You know, havin’ a candy. Do you like Zero bars? I sure do.
A
The Aesir Gods:
The Aesir are a race of ancient, Scandinavian Battle Gods. Love them or leave them, they are the mightiest of Gods! They include Odin, Thor, Balder & Hoth, Frigg, Loki and Mr. Roarke. (Malcolm McDowell, not Ricardo Montalban.)
C
Catholics:
So named for their love of catheters, the Catholics are a race of man-sharks who breed like crazy. If you stand still in a carpool lane long enough, they will impregnate you. Enjoy!
Ceremonial Sacrifices:
That takes me back…. A good old sacrifice. Materials Needed: Incense, Allspice, Altar, The TOASTMASTER 6110 Electric Craving Knife, a Pure Creature. Suggestions: Lambs and virgins are fine, but trust me, what you want is a man’s sacrifice. What you need is a goat!
Cerberus & Charon:
Charon is the Ferryman to Tartarus, the land of the dead in Greek mythology, and Cerberus is his three-headed, butt-sniffing, hell hound watchman. Let’s hope you don’t see them anytime soon.
The Chupacabra:
Man’s best friend, the legendary Chupacabra was created in a laboratory by a boy named Dexter, to scare his stupid sister, DeeDee.
E
Evil Twins:
Although not an accepted legal defense in most states, Evil Twins have plagued humans as well as gods for centuries. Such as Romulus and Remus, Caster and Pollex, Dharma and Greg.
(Dharma and Greg aren’t twins, but they are evil.)
F
The Fay:
Masters of deceit and the no-look pass, the Fay have been fairy-ing it up since the dawn of time. Their ranks include Leprechauns, Banshees, and Nathan Lane, who reside on Small Monday Island, every other Tuesday.
Furies, The
Not to be confused with people who dress up like animals and get it on, the Furies are cool and awesome and their asses look good in those jeans! Really, if they ask, tell them I said that! (See also “The Fay”)
H
Hitcher, The:
Also known as Baboo Yagu, The ‘Itcha is an ole cockney peppermint nightmare wif minty Polo vision. ‘E’s also been known t’possess Lao’a French from tyme t’tyme. Is ‘e doin’ right it now? You‘ll nevah know, boy! Mwa, ha, ha!
J
Johnny C.
A nice young man you might know from your very own neighborhood. DO NOT APPROACH!
L
Laota French:
The Happiest evil of them all! I’m the Tinker belle of villains and this gallery is my Fantasyland. Don’t touch anything! These are my things, dammit! (See also “RPG Mafia Family”)
Lilith:
As featured in the Book of Jewish Laws, she is the first of all vampires and the true queen of the damned. In your face, Anne Rice!
Loki Laufeyiarson:
Loki is a nice demigod, and whatever he might have done, it’s good that he did it. It’s real good. You shouldn’t think bad thoughts about Loki. Seriously, unless you’re a bad person and want to get sent to the cornfield. Isn’t it a good world Loki made? And isn’t it a good life? A real good life! (See Also “Aesir”)
M
Mafia Family:
The RPG Mafia Family, a troupe of laconic role players — including myself — brought together by a shared love of humor, mythology, science fiction, web design, literature, and dismemberment. (He-hee, I said “member.”)
Mormons:
A race of vile demons have plagued mankind for centuries. Mormons, the breedinest shit-folk since the Catholics! Mormons play host to the wicked LDS demons, who tried unsuccessfully to take over the planet. At he head of this conspiracy sits The Osmonds. Governed by their queen and her sexless worker drone, (Marie & Donny) they continue to terrorize this nation and destroy all hope. Confrontation: If you’re ever attacked by a Mormon Demon, discuss evolution with them until the run screaming from your with their fingers in their ears. Continue support caffeine in it’s many forms!
O
Odin:
He’s the best, most sexiest of all, the god of war, death, wisdom, poetry, and whatever else is cool. He’s the boss, you’re applesause. ODIN!
The Osmonds:
May they chill in Outer Darkness. (See also “Mormons, The”)
P
Pop Music, American:
The purest form of evil on the planet. Used to make Soilents green through brown.
S
Satan, Mister:
Also known as Old Scratch and Tim Curry, Satan is the prince of the underworld. You can call him, but don’t be playin’ on his phone.
Set:
Sometimes taken as a war god, Set was the son of a Nut, husband of Nephthys, and the brother of Osiris, lord of the dead. (So appointed when Set chopped him to messes.) He is professionally associated with Evil. DO not attempt to contact him.
T
Teachers, Public School:
Used to make Soilents red through green.
U
Utah:
Land of The Tower of Mormon. (See also “Mormons”)
V
Vampires:
If you’re walking around in the middle of the night and you see a guy with predominant fangs and a pasty complexion making out with a pint of blood, chances are you’re dealing with a vampire. Suggested course of action? If they sparkle, just kick ‘m in the nuts, otherwise, stay away. Troubleshooting: You poked the bear? No worries- just haul ass to your nearest novelty store. If the holy water and wooden stakes don’t help, you can always say you died in a novelty store. Further Words: Vampires suck.
View, The:
(See “Furies”)
